I've rather been a bit confused lately regarding my personality. I think there is conflict between who I am, wish to be, strive to be, and appear as to others. I'm not sure if the preceding sentence was grammatically sound, but let's forget about that for now.
It's somehow both unfortunate and relieving that I can get this off my chest by blogging. Unfortunate, because I don't seem to be able to find someone to talk about this in person, and relieving, because I can type it all up on the web and at least someone would read and understand. I would like to believe that Luce Bella, at least, would be able to read and sympathize with me, or at least, give me a silent nod. It's crucial that one has someone to just nod and listen to the internal struggles which one must untangle by admission and sharing.
In the past few months, I've nurtured a closer relationship to God, as He revealed many blessings for me. I say revealed because I believe, or like to believe, that God bestows blessings upon us all the time, but we lack the insight to recognize them. Anyway, that's how I have been recently, optimistic, hopeful, and courageous about where I am, and where I am headed.
Such personality, however, began to crumble when life became a little more comfortable again and I had the luxury of individualism yet again. You see, in my past few months I had little time to think for myself and make my own decisions. It was mostly filled with following orders and keeping myself in a rigid attention posture. I suppose I did make the choice and the decision to obey with a positive attitude, and to learn to grow from the experience. Such decision, however, somehow dulled my wit and sentiments and dampened my previous funk.
Then again, perhaps there always was a good amount of rigidity in me. In my recent interactions with my colleagues I was surprised to discover how conservative I am, or have become. I always thought that there still was that little bit of crazniess inside me that kept my sense of humor moist enough to attract a lass, but alas, I'm as dry as Kalahari.
Thus I am confused about my true personality and character, and whether one is the ghost of another; have I been merely pretending, or was there a true change of substance? Perhaps they are all a part of me that I must somehow fuse as one whole being.
I feel that I am suppressing a certain vibrancy inside me, that fantastic burst of energy that I would enjoy exuding on the spotlit stage. I wish to speak, but my words buzz inside like bees trapped in a jar, suffocating in their plight for flight. Yet when I release my frustration in relatively vulgar manners, I then come to question the sincerity of my stance in this divine relationship. I have come to a crux of self-identity, a broken bridge to my future.
After today's service, I suppose I have found some answers that can patch this crack, but the quandary is far from over. I think I do have the answer to this, but am not so sure how to actually approach and execute it. I fear that my employment of the said solution will suffer from my flawed undertaking and lead me back to the origin, keeping me in a hamster wheel.
Yet again, what's one to do but live on? Indeed, the important thing is to keep trucking on.
As Kungfu Panda's Master Oogway so eloquently put it:
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present. "
Aight, gotta RTB. Like. NOW.
댓글 1개:
Weird... I've been thinking on the same lines as you. And what is RTB?
Hrm. Strange One, know that my listening-post is always turned on. Heck, it seems like you don't even need to tell me stuff because we tend to go through the same experiences at the same time. That's all good on my part because I've always had trouble verbalizing the things that are really on my mind. From now on, I deem you the title--Strange Twin.
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